Love One Another

Yesterday was another Sunday in advent which meant another candle to light on our advent wreath.  I love the preparations for Christmas and I love singing "O Come All Ye Faithful" off-key with four little boys (none of them know the words but it's adorable to see them all trying to add to the chorus) as we light our purple candles.

In last week's confusion of Sunday night pre-dinner chaos, I quickly read off 'love' as the theme for week 2 of advent.   Somehow as the week progressed I realized that in fact 'love' is traditionally reserved for week 4.  All the same, I was so thankful for my error.

The week did have some challenges.  However, as Beth Moore so aptly points out, we often don't have a choice about what we face but we do have a choice about how we are going to go through it.  Meditating on love - family love, friendship love, and most importantly for me, God's love - this week proved important as I struggled through a minor but frustrating time with my health.

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Christmas.  Stories of love.  Thankfulness.

I have been immeasurably blessed during this season of my life; I struggle with translating the depth of my gratitude.  This doesn't make sense to me when I have such a love of writing... surely I'd have a way to be able to say 'thank you'. And yet I find myself unable to express this gratefulness.

I struggle to tell someone that her baking brought me to a place of indescribable thankfulness.  Who knew a baked good could flood a heart with joy?  For it's not just about a cookie, but rather it's about the love behind it... which then leads me to ask: how can I return the joy?  I know that the person who has blessed me looks for nothing in return - but I feel compelled to demonstrate the significance it has had in my life.  

Lacking in a method (though I have considered writing out a lengthy list of thankfulness here and I will most certainly try to get working on those thank you notes), I have been attempting to redesign the thankfulness into blessing others - propelling me to love in ways I never thought possible.

I suppose that's one of the things that amazes me the most about this experience; just when I thought I couldn't possibly be blessed any more, I am inundated by love.  Love from those closest to me and love from friends of friends of friends.  And that love then  flows into the lives of the four little boys in my care and then gets transferred out into the world.  How amazing is that?

I have realized that the more I tear down walls, the more I yield to love.  And the more I yield to love - it is a humbling, amazing experience - the more I am able to love.

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Things are continually in flux.  I am more aware of the ebb and flow of seasons - and the fact that there is a time for everything - more now than ever before.  Meaningfulness becomes essential:

Family.  Friendships.  Loyalty.  Fidelity.  Celebrations.  Love.

You know that sensation when you truly connect with someone?  When you are in the middle of a conversation and you inherently know that you have found your kindred spirit?  Have you ever known that a friend is so much more than a friend?  That when you introduce her that you feel like the way to describe your connection as 'friend' seems wildly inadequate?  I have.  Not only am I blessed with a sister by birth, I have had the blessing of some incredibly phenomenal women who I'd be honoured to introduce as my sisters.

I have had the opportunity to grow close to women - each whose value is immeasurable.  I wish I could write about each individual; these women - these friendships - are amazing.  I am honoured to know them in a close relationship that has no term to describe it.  I have shared their laughter and their tears - and they mine - and side-by-side we have weathered long winters and basked in summer sunlight as we walked together; we have watched our children grow; we have encouraged and supported one another; we have been witnesses to each others' lives as they've moved through lows and highs.

I can tell you that neither time nor distance apart will ever change the way I feel about the kindred spirits in my life.  I know this from the amazing women who I am still close with regardless of geographical distance that separates regardless of how often we talk.  It's a form of sympatico.

So how do you express that succinctly?  I may have a wordsmith perspective, but I truly lack the words.

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The foundations of my faith - in particular regarding the principles of love - have taught me that in the journey, it's not about 'what' but rather about 'who'.

I am discovering how love runs in a depth and a breadth that I never knew was possible.

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Saturday was a 'snow day' for us... and it was a memorable trip to the park - the first for me since August.  It was Andrew & Samuel's first earnest snow fun.

I never thought I could love snow so much.  How I love these moments... and these boys!

I loved seeing these little birds in flight on my way home... the symbolism of the sparrow has been such a comfort to me during my healing.

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On the health level, my world is pretty small these days.  My 'circuit' is primarily from home to bloodwork to picking up John at school and back home.  I am so thankful for the dear friends who come over twice a week to help with the twins.  

Friday night I was comforted after seeing the doctor earlier in the day.  I had been struggling for two weeks with a persistent dry cough that had felt suffocating as, with limited lung capacity, I just couldn't kick it until I had taken the prescribed bronchodilator (it dilates the bronchi).  Having the weight lifted off my chest - first earlier in the day with a hand lovingly placed and prayer offered up - and then next with this inhaler was an unbelievable feeling of freedom.

I was elated.

Saturday night around midnight found me back three steps - grappling to find breath and feeling the weight of the pain nearly unbearable.  Despite the inhaler, the cough medicine, and prayer, I laid awake searching for relief.

And I suppose that's where I came to accept the conclusion with regards to my lungs.  On one hand, I need to be aware that it will be a year's worth of recovery from the initial incident; on the other hand, I need to be able to move forward with courage no longer meditating on the fact that I have an unexplainable blood condition.

We're often prepared for what we need to face.  On Thursday night, my Beth Moore message from Esther presented the fact that it is only through courage that I will continue to move forward on this journey.  The quote about how "walking in the shadow of death was as perilous as dying" hit home for me; in this experience, I have been freed from the fear of death.  Further, in facing my fears about my condition, I choose to move forward courageously.  

In courage, I am choosing to live my life of love out loud.