Choices

res·o·lu·tion 1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination. 2. A resolving to do something. 3. A course of action determined or decided on. choice 1. The act of choosing; selection. 2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option. 3. One that is chosen. 4. A number or variety from which to choose. 5. The best or most preferable part. 6. Care in choosing. 7. An alternative.

It was many years ago that I had resolved not to make resolutions on the eve of a new year.  Instead my goal was to make choices.  Where resolutions are firm, choices allow for compassion.  I knew that I would still be making choices for big picture planning as I went along but, more importantly, I'd be making conscious choices for each and every moment.

This journey has allowed me the ability to re-evaluate the choices which are important to me.  My decisions these days are often rooted in my humble attempts to live a purpose-driven life.  There are threads of this purpose woven throughout my journeys which means that my life is (and I am) a continual work in progress.  

Healing is also a work in progress.  However, despite having still a way to go, I am in awe to find myself in such a place of functional health.  In God's healing, my functionality has increased to a place of what I consider miraculous ability: the strength (and extra hands) He has given me have helped me even though I've been feeling overextended to get through the sicknesses of these four little boys while Arden has been working lengthy days and nights.  I choose to be in a place of thankfulness.

I am thankful for choice.  I find myself making a lot of little choices that are ending up to be significant on the big picture.  There is freedom in letting go, paring down and eliminating those little things and habits that have hindered me.  They have to go.  I'm no longer collecting anything that holds me back from living my primary purpose of living a life of love.  Cheesy, I know... but I believe it.

I'm not writing this post as an entry against resolutions; in fact, I look at resolutions as decisions as to where we are going to place our love.  Name a resolution, I'll track the source back to love.  A lot of our resolutions are designed for a positive conclusion.  For example, taking the top ten resolutions here, relationship love is at the core of 'wanting to spend more time with family and friends' or a love for healthy living and a love for self is rooted in 'wanting to get fit'.

In making choices, I am making the decision to look at the means for change (love) rather than the perceived result.

All the same, resolutions don't allow for us to change in big ways. When we're too rigid in our thinking, we limit our potential which means that we can't transform our lives.  Ultimately, we change the manifestation but not the heart of the matter.  I think that we are often in situations where we feel that the circumstances are too much for us and therefore, living our lives the way we want to - in freedom, in love - is not possible.  These ideals are something to be invested in as an after thought or put off until... well, later.  If it's something we can have after we've done everything else we've got to do then we're a few steps ahead.  We'll get to it down the road when we get things together; when it's less busy; when we have more resources.

But one of the beauties of life is that we never get things all together.  This is a good thing because if we ever feel that we've got it together, we stop growing.  We never get less busy the way we expect we will and when we have more resources we may just find that we don't have more time.  What if our busyness is distracting us from a bigger plan for our lives?  I'm writing this because I feel that it is so essential to think about it and I'm writing it from a point of view of someone who has traveled there and back again.  This moment is all about choice: live right now.  Love right now.

If given every choice, how would you live this next year out?   It's not about considering what you would do but rather how you would live.

I'm discovering through my continued journey of faith and discovery that love and freedom and grace can be a way of life.  That means that I can deal with situations which make me envision a Gary Larson Far Side box drawn around them and still persevere.

It may not always be pretty but it is a mess-iful, bountiful, miraculous and wonderful life.

This photo represents so many miracles to me (fodder for another post, another time).

But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness ~ Proverbs 14:22b

Wonder

I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes. 

--e.e. cummings

Christmas this year is unlike any I've ever celebrated before.  In the process of this journey, the depth and breadth of my experience has transformed my perspective in both the small moments and significant ones.

Although there is much that I wrestle with on many levels, I recognize with a great deal of clarity that trials bring an understanding of what is most important in a life.

From this, I now see that despite my desire in the past to demonstrate how much I cared through words, gestures and tokens, the essence of the gifts is what has the biggest impact.

It's not that I leave the language of gifts behind; rather the pursuit of gifting through words, gestures and tokens is still something that that I think is even more significant to me now as I see how much it can make a difference.  However, I have come to the recognition that the catalyst and the meaning behind the gift is more essential than I had ever realized.

In this vein - and to parallel the three gifts brought to the king - I'd like to give to you the three gifts of Peace, Love and Joy this Christmas.  All I ask is that you consider the catalyst, ponder the meaning and embrace the perspective - even for a moment in the midst of the Christmas celebrations.

Peace: Listening to the song Better Days, forgive.

Love: Read 1 Corinthians 13... you've surely heard it before; reflect on unconditional love... and then find innumerable ways to embrace and extend it.

Joy: After walking through these photos of the Thickwood trail from a December afternoon, seek the wonder that is found on your path... on your journey.

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. 
Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. 
All is a miracle.
--Thich Nhat Hanh

Love. Peace. Joy.

Merry Christmas.

Love One Another

Yesterday was another Sunday in advent which meant another candle to light on our advent wreath.  I love the preparations for Christmas and I love singing "O Come All Ye Faithful" off-key with four little boys (none of them know the words but it's adorable to see them all trying to add to the chorus) as we light our purple candles.

In last week's confusion of Sunday night pre-dinner chaos, I quickly read off 'love' as the theme for week 2 of advent.   Somehow as the week progressed I realized that in fact 'love' is traditionally reserved for week 4.  All the same, I was so thankful for my error.

The week did have some challenges.  However, as Beth Moore so aptly points out, we often don't have a choice about what we face but we do have a choice about how we are going to go through it.  Meditating on love - family love, friendship love, and most importantly for me, God's love - this week proved important as I struggled through a minor but frustrating time with my health.

***
Christmas.  Stories of love.  Thankfulness.

I have been immeasurably blessed during this season of my life; I struggle with translating the depth of my gratitude.  This doesn't make sense to me when I have such a love of writing... surely I'd have a way to be able to say 'thank you'. And yet I find myself unable to express this gratefulness.

I struggle to tell someone that her baking brought me to a place of indescribable thankfulness.  Who knew a baked good could flood a heart with joy?  For it's not just about a cookie, but rather it's about the love behind it... which then leads me to ask: how can I return the joy?  I know that the person who has blessed me looks for nothing in return - but I feel compelled to demonstrate the significance it has had in my life.  

Lacking in a method (though I have considered writing out a lengthy list of thankfulness here and I will most certainly try to get working on those thank you notes), I have been attempting to redesign the thankfulness into blessing others - propelling me to love in ways I never thought possible.

I suppose that's one of the things that amazes me the most about this experience; just when I thought I couldn't possibly be blessed any more, I am inundated by love.  Love from those closest to me and love from friends of friends of friends.  And that love then  flows into the lives of the four little boys in my care and then gets transferred out into the world.  How amazing is that?

I have realized that the more I tear down walls, the more I yield to love.  And the more I yield to love - it is a humbling, amazing experience - the more I am able to love.

***

Things are continually in flux.  I am more aware of the ebb and flow of seasons - and the fact that there is a time for everything - more now than ever before.  Meaningfulness becomes essential:

Family.  Friendships.  Loyalty.  Fidelity.  Celebrations.  Love.

You know that sensation when you truly connect with someone?  When you are in the middle of a conversation and you inherently know that you have found your kindred spirit?  Have you ever known that a friend is so much more than a friend?  That when you introduce her that you feel like the way to describe your connection as 'friend' seems wildly inadequate?  I have.  Not only am I blessed with a sister by birth, I have had the blessing of some incredibly phenomenal women who I'd be honoured to introduce as my sisters.

I have had the opportunity to grow close to women - each whose value is immeasurable.  I wish I could write about each individual; these women - these friendships - are amazing.  I am honoured to know them in a close relationship that has no term to describe it.  I have shared their laughter and their tears - and they mine - and side-by-side we have weathered long winters and basked in summer sunlight as we walked together; we have watched our children grow; we have encouraged and supported one another; we have been witnesses to each others' lives as they've moved through lows and highs.

I can tell you that neither time nor distance apart will ever change the way I feel about the kindred spirits in my life.  I know this from the amazing women who I am still close with regardless of geographical distance that separates regardless of how often we talk.  It's a form of sympatico.

So how do you express that succinctly?  I may have a wordsmith perspective, but I truly lack the words.

***
The foundations of my faith - in particular regarding the principles of love - have taught me that in the journey, it's not about 'what' but rather about 'who'.

I am discovering how love runs in a depth and a breadth that I never knew was possible.

***

Saturday was a 'snow day' for us... and it was a memorable trip to the park - the first for me since August.  It was Andrew & Samuel's first earnest snow fun.

I never thought I could love snow so much.  How I love these moments... and these boys!

I loved seeing these little birds in flight on my way home... the symbolism of the sparrow has been such a comfort to me during my healing.

***

On the health level, my world is pretty small these days.  My 'circuit' is primarily from home to bloodwork to picking up John at school and back home.  I am so thankful for the dear friends who come over twice a week to help with the twins.  

Friday night I was comforted after seeing the doctor earlier in the day.  I had been struggling for two weeks with a persistent dry cough that had felt suffocating as, with limited lung capacity, I just couldn't kick it until I had taken the prescribed bronchodilator (it dilates the bronchi).  Having the weight lifted off my chest - first earlier in the day with a hand lovingly placed and prayer offered up - and then next with this inhaler was an unbelievable feeling of freedom.

I was elated.

Saturday night around midnight found me back three steps - grappling to find breath and feeling the weight of the pain nearly unbearable.  Despite the inhaler, the cough medicine, and prayer, I laid awake searching for relief.

And I suppose that's where I came to accept the conclusion with regards to my lungs.  On one hand, I need to be aware that it will be a year's worth of recovery from the initial incident; on the other hand, I need to be able to move forward with courage no longer meditating on the fact that I have an unexplainable blood condition.

We're often prepared for what we need to face.  On Thursday night, my Beth Moore message from Esther presented the fact that it is only through courage that I will continue to move forward on this journey.  The quote about how "walking in the shadow of death was as perilous as dying" hit home for me; in this experience, I have been freed from the fear of death.  Further, in facing my fears about my condition, I choose to move forward courageously.  

In courage, I am choosing to live my life of love out loud.