I've gone into my inbox for the last two nights, hoping to get typing at some emails and messages - I cannot express how much I long for some more energy to get personalized updates and thank yous sent out; however, I was overwhelmed by the task at hand... so in the meantime, I am writing in the blog in order to get an update out.
It is with no small amount of gratefulness that I report that healing is happening. I have been gaining strength on a daily basis and although I still have many miles to go, I am encouraged by each of the steps taken in this upward direction; my playlist in that healing include these three songs that have been inspirational on this journey: My Hope is in You, Sweetly Broken & Joyful, Joyful.
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For as long as I could remember, I have loved snow globes. Recently, through an amazing channel, I was given the means to acquire my very own.
At first I was simply taken with the snow globe - it was a lovely thing to hold in my hands - and it brought me so much joy to see the wonder on my sons' faces as I shook it up and then set it down.
But like all things in my life, I cannot help but find symbolism in... well, everything.
In this journey I have certainly been aware of my fragility, my humanity, and my limitations. For a brief time after a particularly challenging period on this healing journey, I considered myself to be 'the girl made of glass' as my frailness seemed to define me... from my physical condition to my emotional tsunami, I was - and am - in a place of vulnerability. Yet, as I watched the glitter swirl and the colours change, an imprint flooded my heart: I am surrounded by love - overwhelming, overflowing, infinite love.
I also recognized how a snow globe is the most beautiful when everything is in motion.
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I think that now that I've gotten to this point in my life - where the possibility that a condition, unseen but powerfully destructive can change everything without warning - that I have been blessed with a clarity I've never had before. In a most evident way, I recognize so many more things that I once took for granted... aspects of my life that now have become priceless gifts. More than that, a beautiful epiphany has hit home:
Motherhood is a miracle.
I'm not saying this in an overly sentimental way; I sincerely mean it. I realize now from discovering epic-ness of the high stakes that I am blessed beyond my understanding.
I have been recognizing that I was functioning under a faulty entitlement perspective - my whole world was structured around the presumption that I was planning for my future - and the future of my children. My parenting perspective was grounded in the long game. Yes, I mothered with great love and enthusiasm, but there was a significant part of my heart that was invested in the days that lay ahead... when the 'challenging' stages (such as teething and diaper changing) were over. Not only did my goals reflect this, I often could imagine the joy of future celebrations, graduations, and weddings.
The awakening from this perspective is undeniably painful, yet I am so grateful... I cannot express adequately the joy I have in even the most everyday interactions with these completely phenomenal children I have the privilege to mother.
Similarly, I'm not saying this as though I haven't lived my days in anything other than a carpe diem kind of way. I have always had a general understanding of the importance of seizing the day; I think I now have a conceptualization that "seizing the day" does not mean optimizing production or experiences. Seizing the day now means an investment of the heart - a pouring in and a pouring out - in the miracle of motherhood and in the miracle of life.
And love has been, is, and will be the means to this end.
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Although this sounds highly sentimental - and overly optimistic - I can guarantee you that my life is not all unicorns and sparkly-happy-face-sticker ideals. Valleys, battles, and tribulations are part and parcel of this experience. There is tension: even though I am struggling with a medical condition, I am still a mother to four beautiful yet spirited boys aged 6, 3 and twin toddlers - a position that calls for some intense investment. And although this is my new vision of life, it is not overly idealized in my expectations as the reality is that I am a highly fallible person.
However, I think that in this season and in light of waging battle with some of the hardest realities and sorrows I've ever faced, I am becoming more firmly entrenched in a pragmatic view of my life.
And even writing that I should say that I feel like that's a nerdy way of saying this: trials have brought perspective.
There is so much more to express on that, but here is where I delegate the task to C.S. Lewis - the poignancy of his quotes (from the selection here and from his other writings) at this point in my life leaves me... well, speechless.
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Each day I am feeling God's hand working in incredible ways in this fragile life of mine and, in the reflection of the snow globe, I am starting to see a whole new me.
Love the C.S.Lewis quote, Judith. My thought and prayers are with you on your healing journey. I am on my own painful journey, though mine was only of the heart.
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Dee